MeMoRiEs

My daughter sent me an email with a story of a woman that lost her mother. Well, if you know me, you'll know that I'll have to write my own story. :)

Oh where to begin, do I tell of when I was little? Will anyone care about the memories of a little girl who loved to come home and hear her mother's voice?
Do I begin as a teenager, where the last thing I WANTED to hear was my mother's voice?
Or as a mother myself, FINALLY understanding what she was trying to say and despite all my best efforts, sounding just like my mother?

I guess I'll start at the end, so when I do talk of long ago memories, you'll hopefully have a feeling of who my Mommy was.

Mommy, Ann Marie Strassner, born August 6, 1939, died August 31, 2004.
What a long painful road she traveled. She had Polycystic Kidney Disease and was on dialysis
for 18 years. She was diagnosed with and fought Breast Cancer. She was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer and that was when she decided enough was enough. She said she would continue with the dialysis until she no longer felt like herself. Unfortunately, that was not long at all. Within a week of being diagnosed, she knew it was over. I called my sister Jane, she came out from Arizona. We spent time cooking and cleaning, talking, worrying, talking, smiling on the outside hoping it wasn't as bad as we knew it was while crying on the inside, knowing we were on borrowed time.
Mommy woke up one morning about a week after the diagnoses and she had trouble walking to the bathroom to brush her teeth. I went in to see if she was ok. She looked at me and with the
most calm look, said, " I'm done, I can't do this." I asked if she meant for the day or for how long and she said, "I'm going back to bed, I'm not doing dialysis anymore, let daddy know."
Daddy was outside with Jane and I went out and told him mommy was not going to dialysis. He got upset and said, "I knew this was going to happen, I was just hoping to make it to 50." You see, up to that point, they were married for 47 years and he wanted to make it at least to the 50 year mark. He went inside to talk to mommy, not to change her mind, but to let her know, he and Jane and I, all supported her decision.
The Dr. said that since she was having trouble walking and brushing her teeth that day, the Cancer most likely had spread to her brain. Mommy knew that if she was going to fight this, it would not be on her terms, so she decided to do this HER WAY.
Calls were made, to Journey Home Hospice, to see if she could get in as soon as possible. To friends and family and what friends she turned out to have........
Donna, what a doll, on mommy's last night home before Hospice picked her up, Donna had asked mommy what she would like for her last meal in her house. That night, Donna and her husband Dana showed up at the door with a little card table with a table cloth, a small vase with a rose, and dinner (sausage with peppers and onions) for mommy and daddy to share in their room so mommy would not have to get out of bed. She and Dana brought it all in and set it up and quietly closed the door.
Maria, Cathy and Joan, her girlfriends, climbed into bed with mommy and talked and sang songs and held hands and told her they loved her. They had their own little 3 hour long slumber party.
Dolores, always there to hold her hand and give her support and love.
Many more friends came and went. Too many to name them all. Friends from long ago and new friends from Church.
We all had our time to talk and visit with mommy before she went to Journey Home. I kept busy cooking and cleaning. Keeping things organized to keep my mind from going crazy.
Hospice came and picked her up and as they were putting her into the ambulance, she looked at her little house that she loved so much. Her flowers in her front yard and all her little bunnies in the garden. She said "Oh I'm going to miss them." They closed the doors and off they went.
Journey Home was wonderful. The volunteers and staff treated her and us with such care.
I can't bring myself to talk about the week there quite yet, I have in the past but right now, it feels like a cut that is raw and bleeding. So for another time I think.

Actually, I think I will leave it all for another day. Right now I am going to turn in. I'm tired. Tired of not being able to call her. Tired of her not being here. Tired.
I will be back, I will need to share. Vent, whine, complain, laugh, cry, remember.......